Caminho em frente pra sentir saudades!

I really like Marcelo Camelo. Since he used to sing/write in Los Hermanos. I heard in a blog that he's in a solo work now. The album is called "Sou". I downloaded it from internet and start listening.

But, the point of this post is not this. In one of his songs, "Janta", there's a verse: "Caminho em frente pra sentir saudades"(something like: "I go on to miss it"). Oh, gosh! It really touchs me. And then I start to think why is that.

In every relashionship I had until now, when I  was feeling secure and full loved for the other person I moved on. Or I cheated or I fight 'till the person give up on me. And them, I felt sorry, and cry, and felt depressed. I need miss the person. 'Cause it's just this way I know how I feel about us and stuff.

At least, that's what I'm thinking *now*.

Música: Marcelo Camelo feat Mallu Magalhães - Janta

I need something quick just to stop me thinking. ♪

It’s a long time since the last time I wrote here. So many things going on... And I’m a lazy person and I hate it, but I’m not in the mood to change.

I’ve been happy lately. Strangely happy and light!

Last week i travelled to São Paulo. Stayed at Jackie’s house. [my big sis... luv ya!]

It was a great time. Hanging out with friends I didn’t see for centuries!

Aaaaand I went to Dave Matthews Band’s show. I really love him and his band. It was so special too me. And all this things happened ‘cause Bines [great friend!] gave us tickets to the concert.

I missed the therapy today... I’m so happy... but now I’m worried.

Last session, I told Silvia [my therapist] that I wasn’t in love with anyone and for the first time in my life I was ok with that. She said to me there are diference between don’t wanna be in love and don't be able to love someone. Now I’m thinking... I don’t wanna or I'm not able to?! Really don’t know...

I started to think about all my relationships... all my 4 boyfriends... And how I treated them when I found out they love me. The truth is: I have serious intimacy problems. Indeed.

Music: Cigarrete Lit - Dave Matthews Band

Ps: This draw was made by Dave Matthews with his iphone and posted in his twitterpic.

You might be better off. ♫

Oh my gosh!

Lately I've been dreaming a lot of freak things. And the dreams are so real that I get freaked out all day long! So I'm going to make a little introdution about it.

There's this guy... He's been my friend like... 5 years. But he travelled and stayed abroad 3 years or more, I can't remember well. We spoke a few, but never missed the touch. And now he's back and we're dying to see each other. 

The fact is: we love each other so much, and we've talking every day and making plans for this big day: our reunion.

But, I think that's something more going on... And I realize that are. I'm afraid of what can happens.. Like I said in the other post, I'm not a easy person...

Well, what I really want to talk is about the dream I had.

I dreamed that we finally see each other again. And he was extremely disappointed when he saw me. I wasn't anymore the person he thought I was. And I read this trough his eyes, and didn't know what to do or say... and he was feeling bound to stay with me. 

It was awful! And I felt horrible all day.

The point is: will he still love me when he realize that I am not as beautiful or easy as he imagined? Beauty today regard so much. More than quality!

I know he's not this kinda of guy... But the dream was so real, that i'm still freaking out! :/

Music: Seeing other people - Belle and Sebastian

I'm gonna make somebody love me!

I'm strange. And I mean it.

When I felt for someone and this person is not there for me, I simply do everything I can to change its opinion. And not praising me, but normally I can.

I cannot remember the last guy I wanted to be with that I didn't make happen. Even for a night.

The problem is: when he falls in love with me, i always do something to hurt him and push him away.

Conclusion: I'm always alone.

And always wishing that someone loves me trully and that I can love him too.

Music: Do you want to - Franz Ferdinand

Stay out of trouble

Well... Today I was talking with Roberta, my best friend. She has just move to another state and I am missing her a lot. It is good that invented Skype! Then we were catching up.

Changing completely the matter, last thrusday after the event that I spoke in the other post, I called to Victor. Only that were 4:30 am!

Of course that he was asleep. Today he came to me with that and I almost falls lasts for shame!

And he also said that he'll be in a MPB festival wich i also will be on 12 september. Isn't it great? I'm dyiiiiiiiiiiing to see him!

He was my first boyfriend, when i has 18 yo! But since we broke up [cause i went in university and change the city i used to live] we continuing being good friends, caring about each other and stuff.

Yey!

Music: Stay out of trouble - Kings of Convenience

Ye, that’s it! Honey, I quit. I’m movin’ on!

It is both time since I was here the last time... Not that I had many things to do. But who knows me will know that I am a slacker.

I returned to therapy. I really love being there and talk about my problems. I still have problems in monitoring the classes. And in the last Thursday happened something that really upset me.

I was at a party in some friends' house... and up to now I don't know if R***** tried to do a game or he really tried to spit in me [I prefer the first hypothesis!] I know that in the heat of the things, I gave a slap in his face!

I cannot believe until now that I did that. But the whole world said that it was a natural reaction . The fact is that he was so bothered me, that can only have been a joke!

But it is this. Our relationship was always so strange... do not know whether the fact that he have a girlfriend, or by the fact he cannot cheat on her and be cool with that... or because sometimes I think that he even likes me...

I wish it finish soon...
But i guess a lot of water will run under this bridge...

:/

Music: That's It I Quit I'm Movin' On - Adele

Eat, drink and be marry, for tomorrow we die! ♪

So, i'm back to the Cookiesland!
And this semester will be a lot more easy, i hope. Less classes and less work to be done.

Thanks god!

Well, yesterday all the girls went to Kanashiro's bar and met the boys there. After, we bought some beer and went to "Bread with eggs'' house. It was nice and i slept there. The only thing sad is that the boys are thinking in close the house. Sad! I hope they didn't.

Music: Tripping Billies - Dave Matthews Band.

Sick of you, and I'm sick of me. ♪

What i told ya?!
Today my dad arrived home with a sack full of meringues! I think he's trying to sweeten my life!

Grrrr.

Thanks God this vacation's finishing! So i can go back to my apartment and be happy again.


Music: #27 - Dave Matthews Band

"Dad, I hate to tell ya... ♪

...Sometimes I wanna slap you in the face
But Dad, I gotta tell ya
If you were gone
I'd miss you from this place."

Today was the worst day ever!
There were a really bif fight in here. And my dad, once again, said horrible things to me. And this all happened 'cause my mom insisted to him give me a simple hug! Can you believe it?

He doesn't understand me, i'd must be a housekepper, so he could tell he loves me.

Oh, Lord!
I cried so much... so much! I couldn't even breathe! And so my mom.

I bet that tomorrow he'll do something good to me. [That's he's way to apologize!]

Music: Dad - Goldfinger

Stop walking away. ♪

Ok. I'm here once again.
Tired of walking away and ready to stare my fears.

Here we go!

Music: Don't start - Franz Ferdinand